The Howard Stern Autograph Experience

The King of All Media

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By: Brian Lavender
May 12, 1996

On February 20, 1948, my Father rushed to the opening of a new theater in Salinas, CA. Marylin Monroe was the the attraction and all the guys wanted her autograph. She pointed out my father, and signaled him to advance. She pulled out a photograph of herself and history was made. I sold that photograph three years ago, and the thought of pursuing celebrities for their autographs had not intrigued me much, but Howard Stern, that is a story itself.

On December 1, 1995, Howard Stern scheduled a book signing in Los Angeles, CA, more specifically Westwood. I investigated the scene of Stern's book signing the night before suspecting if I wanted to get his autograph I should be prepared to camp out. I checked it out and I was assured by a girl I met in line that I would get a good show of women exposing themselves. My interest heightened, so I went home and returned to Westwood with my camera, an ice chest and the thought that this night would prove entertaining. Also, I might meet Howard Stern.

Actually the thought of showing myself in public waiting to see Howard Stern produced some apprehension. It seems politically correct to speak badly about Stern. He is the "Shock Jock" , the leader of "hate" radio. He is bad and everyone who listens to him should be condemned is the message spread by his opposing media. Almost no other media will speak well of him. Of course, it also seems everyone listens to him in secrecy including his opponents. The callers, who call in to his show, claim they were scanning the stations and they stumbled upon his show. I am braver than that I thought. I decided to participate in the open degeneracy and attempt to attain his autograph.

After establishing my place in line I grabbed my camera hoping to find some interesting shots, some naked women. I got lucky, the girl next to me in line had a big tear in her jeans right near her ass. She honored me with a pose. I ran into Melrose Larry Green who stood in the face of mockery from people in line. He was loud and meaninglessly obnoxious. I got his autograph anyway. After not seeing any more women bearing their assets, I begged one woman to lift her top for the camera. She refused, but offered me to snap a shot of her smiling face. I was discouraged and wanted to save my film. I found another woman, Dr. Susan Block, who was promoting her book regarding sexuality. She was dressed in some sort of erotic attire and she was carrying a whip. So I got her picture too. I found myself mainly surrounded by horny guys who did not have much luck with women, and had the same hopes as I had had. Stern appeared on The Tonight Show that night, so the people in line focused on that. I retired my camera and crashed on my one cushion on the sidewalk. It was a mild December night, and I had more hopes for the following day.

The next morning I woke to the sound of Radios playing Howard Stern's show. It was calm until the people in line in front of me got up and moved forward. Some people left their belongings in place and followed the crowd to maintain their place in line. The line became disorganized and the crowd became tense. The cops showed up and there was a standoff. They were on one side and I was waiting for the moment for someone to throw something, or the cops to charge us. It was LA, so this was not unexpected. That is when I looked around and checked out the crowd around me. Stern is vulgar and does not have a lot of etiquette. I looked at the guys thinking that these are the people who emulate this type of behavior. Stern knows where the line is, and crosses it quite often, but I don't know if his fans do. The situation seemed as if the cops were challenging us, and it was going to turn into an us versus them. I hoped that would not happen. We waited and fortunately the crowd maintained its peace and even with the disorganization and the chaos we were most likely going to meet Stern.

Stern arrived in his limo. I was about twenty feet back from the entrance of the store, so I popped what pictures I could. I got the rooftop of his car. It is a great rooftop. It looks like almost any other limo rooftop, but it is the one Stern was riding in. Security was tight and most of those cops were still there. I was fortunate to see a couple of other people. Doug, the midget Stern makes fun of and places in boxes on the streets of New York and has him yell out, was investigating the line. Some big breasted woman also paraded past my spot in line. I snapped a couple shots. And there was the girl next to me. Out of all the 25-40 year old guys she was one of the few. She was wearing a top that gave me an indication that something was up. It looked as if she was going to drop her top and have Stern sign her breast. I heard Stern talking about this on his show, but half the time I don't know when Stern is full of it and when he is truthful.

We made it inside Border's Bookstore. No riots had started and we were safe. Stern was only a few feet away, and we were prompted to remove our cameras. The girl with the questionable top was right behind me. There were some people who brought gifts for Howard Stern. I could not understand why. I admire the guy, but I don't think he is a god. And even if I did think he was a god, I would not adorn him with gifts. He may be the king of all media, but I think the gifts are carrying it to the extreme. I don't even give gifts to most of my friends. I guess that is my own personal thing. I did think about what I like about Stern. I like that he is dedicated. He is a man who carries out a plan and even in the face of opposition will still execute it. It is true he shocks people, but what some people are shocked about he brings into question. He makes people think about some of the things are taken purely for granted and not questioned. He is the man who says the earth is round when everyone else accepts it is square. Of course, the listener has to sort through all the crap he broadcasts, because he will say the earth is round about almost everything. My strategy showing my admiration when I approached Stern was to say "Mega Dildos". That is what he expressed to his fans on the radio, and I figured he was signing around three thousand signatures during that day and does not want to fool around with gifts and long praise.

My turn was up.
He asked, "How is it going?"
I was surprised because life has been hard lately and things had been going roughly, so I was stumped as what to reply to his question. To me it felt like a meaningful personal question that I had not expected from Stern. The man who ridicules everyone including his fans suddenly seemed sensitive. I was stunned. Like most times when I am troubled I don't like to go into detail so I replied with my admirative response, "Mega Dildos"
Stern corrected me, "No, it's Mega Schmega Dildos."
I corrected myself "Mega Shmega Dildos."
He said, "You're my friend."

I was touched. I stepped to the right and the girl behind me advanced to the table. She dropped her top and Stern took his felt tip marker and signed her breast. It was true. I do believe that women will flaunt themselves to him. So badly did I want to take a picture, but I held back because I was inside Sterns area and I did not want to get booted for violating what I was instructed not to do. I exited the building to find TV cameras interviewing people about their experience. I think the main camera was from the E Show. The girl who had her breast signed exited and the camera's attention focused upon her. I don't know why, by I did not take a picture of her with her tit signed. It was so unlike me.

I walked around the corner preparing to walk back to my car when I stumbled upon this huge breasted girl signing this guy's copy of Miss America. Something was definitely up and I discovered she is the porn star pictured on page ten of Miss America. She signed my copy and posed for a couple of pictures with me. In one she pressed her huge tits right up next to me. That was definitely exciting. Stern was right. Every guy does get lucky at his book signings.

Before leaving with my signed copy I walked around checking out what the rest of the line looked like. The riotous atmosphere had subsided and I stumbled into this transvestite parading around. That is what I don't understand. I don't understand the whole transvestite thing behind Stern's Miss America. I have not read the book now that I am trying to protect it from damage. I feel as if I am missing the point when Howard Stern has always made so much sense before.

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All photos: Brian Lavender

Last Modified: Saturday, March 08, 1997 9:50:23 PM